Yours Consciously Sneha

Tag: learning

Favourite Chapter…

Live like a child every day, you will never regret that you did. – Sneha Marappa 😉

Smile 1

Every morning there are two times I come out of my room before I get to work:
1) To brush my teeth & stare at this specific tree in the front and a hill on my right.
2) To drink milk/coffee, that’s when the first school bus arrives.

The bus moves a little ahead closer to my room to take the U-turn, the children when they see me, few of them wave and few throw a smile and the other few scream, Snehaaaa akkkaaaa + wave.

This happens every day, every damn day; it’s like they are seeing me after many years, the excitement remains constant and every day is a brand new day. A few times which are unlucky days, the timing doesn’t match so this scene doesn’t happen but when it happens that’s the first smile that they bring on my face for the day-Smile 1.

Smile 2

Morning assembly happens at 9 am, everyone’s quiet-it’s a rare moment, like take out your camera and seize the moment kind of a rare moment-a Kodak moment. It is difficult to stay quiet for me too, our Director inclusive; one day she comes close to me and whispers, “Oh! A new saree. Oh yeah! She is that cool, not at all trying to flatter her-true story!

Sometimes I reach a little early, that’s when the Smile 2 begins. Akka, don’t tie your hair bun that way, I feel like laughing at you; Akka, you look like a Maid; Akka, Is it your birthday? (The most asked question, at least one child every day). Somehow all of this sounds better in Tamizh when they say it-Smile 2.

When Smile 1 + Smile 2 happens, the whole day lightens up, even if it is just one of them, I can live with it the whole day grinning, just like them.

Now look at a cobweb in that corner of your house, if there is none, imagine one. Flashback tone begins.

2 Years ago & so on!

Then!

On this day, I arrived here in my track pants and a Blue T-shirt; anxious, sweaty & exhausted. The train was delayed for 3 hours in Bengaluru, hence the exhaustion & lack of sleep. Carrying 4 bags and running behind a train that stops for 3 minutes with doors closed from inside, Sigh! That story deserves another blog post.

So where was I? The job, yes! The job was not much to do with children, maybe a little. Well, I had no idea, I just came here, did not think much, about my goals or aspirations, about my writings or blog. All I had on my mind was a simple life with less noise (Point to be noted), a life amidst mountains, & there you go, I got one.

I came here during summer holidays, hardly any (0) In-house teachers and absolutely no children. So there was no noise and there was life with mountains. Just like I desired, a breeze of applaud in my head goes on.

But I had a tiny fear, what happens when the school starts. How will I cope with the noise? I was perplexed, twitching my fingers every day when the noisy thoughts arrive. I was asked to take care of the library as well, who would not want to be around books. A library is a place for silence, nobody talks which mean part of my job will be in silence and I do not have to talk to people. Hurray!

Hold that grin on your face, right there! What I am going to say next might change that expression because the day arrived. The day that I was anxious about, the children, the people and the noise.

The first class in Library, I am sitting in a corner with a book and I see these kids gazing at me. I can feel those cute little eyes all over me. After a few minutes, the silence is broken with pulling & pushing, screaming & screeching, shouting & hitting. I take a deep breath, while I am breathing out, the noise hits the roof and is on the way to a space station. I would scream at them, on top of my voice, and now there is radio silence. And then the noise begins again. This continues, this exact format-all the time, in every class.

Days passed and so did months and years, I still shout at them sometimes and burst out laughing the next second. I am on their side now, we make noise, we draw, we sing and dance. I sit and hear their elephant stories, although most of the time they make up their own stories I feel, but they love it when I believe them and respond to what they say. They are good storytellers I must say, the tone, the pitch, the story crafting and most importantly they know how to trap the reader-they deserve an award.

Somewhere in that war between silence that I craved & noise that I disliked, Noise won!

I still have complications in dealing with people(adults), I am working on it but it is going to take time. So I am usually isolated, all by myself with myself but the loneliness does get on to me on a few days. These kids are the only source for me to drift away from that abyss, they are the only friends I can look up to, they are the only home that I can rest in.

Every day is unique here, all because of them, only because of them. I like it when they are concerned when I am not dressed, Akka are you not well? I like it when they ask about me while I am on leave, I like it that they exist, right there just for that moment.

Remember 2 years ago, I had this fear about coping with noise and now it was about how am I going to live ever without that noise after I leave this job. How often can I re telecast these memories in my head to keep that grin on my face? How am I going to live without elephant stories? Will they remember me if I come to visit them after a few years?

Nightmares, these were the nightmares that kept me away from sleep. Mostly after I decided to leave! But Life always has a different answer, not the one that you want. This time the answer came in the form of a Virus-Corona/COVID-19!

Today

Now!

All that silence I prayed for 2 years ago, I have been blessed with it now, unfortunately. It’s been 2 months since I have seen all those grinning faces; as much as the silence engulfed everywhere, their grinned faces and screechy voice is engulfed all over my head.

The home they built for me in themselves is all empty, filled with only taunting memories.

The home that I could not even bid goodbye to!

And now I am slowly drifting to the abyss again.

And now…
The swings are heavier.
Merry go round isn’t merrier.
Playground’s turned bizarre.
The library looks spookier.

Blooming…

Wild Flower

April 23, 2020
5 years…

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time-J. R. R. Tolkien

Time flies they say, it indeed does. It’s been 5 long years since I published my first blog post. I read it again today, I remember how emotional I was that day when I clicked on that publish button. I received calls from friends that night giving a virtual hug. I was in my corporate job, I was travelling on and off following all the travel bloggers I admired. I was also keen on starting a fashion blog, I was following a few fashion bloggers who set an inspiration. In this dilemma, I thought let me just give it a shot with blogging; whatever it may be. It kind of started as a fashion blog, more than the fashion I fell in love with writing.

Through a common friend, I found a photographer/friend who agreed to do photography. We clicked well, every time I would get an idea, we would discuss and select a theme, go ahead with the photography. So the writing always came first, everything else revolved around it. Unknowingly, it was not even a fashion blog anymore; I do not know if there should be any categorization even, but it went well. I was elated every time I would share a blog post.

A few months later, I decided to quit my job and travel. That was one of the fiery statements on social media 5 years ago. Don’t believe me? Just type “I quit my job to travel” and you will be startled to see how many blog posts you would find. I was one of the sheep too who followed that herd of “I quit my job to travel”. It was all rosy in the initial days until the money got over. You know, not everyone would share the hardships they go through, its only the smooth sailing they talk about.

As a reader and an “Aspiring blogger”, I fell for it, royally. The days got tougher, I was doing remote jobs for a few months and travelling. I would be mostly exhausted on thinking of jobs on how to make money. It is close to impossible to make money with freelancing, the freelancing write-ups I did, the money would come somewhere between 4-6 months after the article gets published. So until then, consider that I am broke, no job, no travels, no writing, no life.

All that I aspired to be, went in vain. My writing got slower, I was doing very minimal freelance work, rather I was getting minimal freelance work. I volunteered with a few NGO’s and attended some friend’s weddings. That’s how my travels were. Somewhere I had forgotten the purpose of my existence, the reason why I quit my job, the reason why I didn’t want to live the city life. And Sometimes I feel if I just gave up too easily.

Blogging industry was booming and so was social media, there were/are millions of bloggers and influencers. Every time I am on my computer, I would see these posts saying “20 things to do/see/eat before you turn 20” and I would thank all the billion gods that blogging didn’t work out for me. Every blogger out there has a USP which they try to sell, say for example “Being Vegan”, most of their posts would revolve around it.

It was not interesting to me anymore, I was glad I didn’t take up travel blogging seriously. We weren’t syncing well so I decided to take up a full-time job 2 years ago. In another 2 days, I would hit 2 years mark of working here; longest I have ever stayed after quitting my “Corporate job”. Writing didn’t happen much here, but I did lots of drawing/sketching and dancing. But, I did miss writing and when I did, I would write on Instagram and share a post. Once in a few months, I would write a poem to fill the void.

This whole journey of blogging seems so erratic, it’s been 5 years since I started but I have probably lived in it for 2.5 to 3 years maybe. I am back on track with writing again, neither fashion nor travel. It’s called, “I will write what I want to write”.

Come, read along?

Blooming…

Wild Flower

April 20, 2020
Batman & Buddha

Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves, up-Mr Thomas Wayne.

22/03/2020

The day I saw Batman Begins (Not at all because of the Janata Curphew-only for “Indians”)

I am not a superhero fan, hence avoided watching Christopher Nolan’s Batman series. People who know me and my theories of life and my prejudice towards humans, also being a movie buff, it is quite surprising for anyone to believe that I haven’t watched Batman series. After Joker was a huge hit, the pressure from a friend to having me watch Batman series was quite high. And then came Corona/COVID-19 and Isolation and the dark times. So, the best time to enter into a void filled with darkness. Right? Well, so ready to fly?

Sunday it was, also declared as Janata Curphew in India due to Corona/COVID-19. Being in isolation mostly, this didn’t mean much but it did mean that I am not stepping out to even buy chips. Now, getting back to the actual talk, I did all the cooking and opened my laptop at 12:30 pm with brunch in my hand and laptop on my stacked pillows to watch Batman Begins. I drew the curtains for the “Dark effect”(to avoid glare-just say it) and the Batman Begins.

Guess what, halfway through the movie. Something creepy happened, blazing hot sun slipped away and dark clouds entered. There was thundering & lightning, darkness all around. Looked like the universe was trying to tell me something. Hire Morgan Freeman maybe?

A Little Background

Every movie/series that I watch, I always relate to the scenarios that happened in my life or to something that may happen in future.

For example, when Master Bruce falls into the well and sees Bats fly, it reminded me of a Bat baby that I lived with, in my room. She did no harm to me, once I saw her hanging on the fan and she flew as soon as she felt someone was around and I covered my face with arms exactly like how Master Bruce did.

Getting back to the Movie

Master Bruce leaving his wealth behind and walking away reminded me of the book “Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse. More so like Buddha’s life rather, which Master Bruce was trying to live. His clothing, his travels, his lifestyle and his quest in search of the meaning of existence.

Personal Thoughts? Huh! Or Learning Outcomes maybe(I work in a school you see, Ssshhh)

You always fear what you don’t understand-Batman

There are contradictions in me all the time, about compassion & vengeance; about love and hatred; about forgiving and revenge. We live in an evil world like many says, but what’s evil to me may not be evil to you. So who defines what’s evil and what’s not! Or if it is a real evil as defined by “Global Oxford Dictionary”, how do we win over the evil? By compassion, so if we are nice to Evil, the Evil will be nice to us? Then why are they called Evil il if they can be nice!!! Compassion does the magic, perhaps?

As I was typing this, the almost last scene from “The Dark Knight” of two ships appeared in front of my eyes. Compassion does have some power and so does hope to believe in compassion.

For many years I believed if anybody is bad to me, I will be bad to them. This is how they will know how being bad feels like. After a few years, I realized, hang on! If I am bad to them, they will again be bad to me and to someone else and this goes on like a chain and we are filled with bad people so this is not a solution. Probably if I show compassion to those people who are bad to me, they may be turn out to be good.

Right now, I am stuck in between both of these theories. In many instances of my life, when I have responded with revenge, it has helped. It may have not helped them, but has helped me in terms of Self-pride and satisfaction. I will just worry about myself and my happiness, who am I to change the world. A Batman? At the same time, being good has also torn me to pieces that I am still trying to collect to make it one. Because good things always come with a cost you see?

I would be lying if I don’t mention, how much I savoured seeing Joker being hopeful about the crackers flying in the sky (Ships bursting). Sadist eh? and also thankful that the crackers didn’t blow up in the sky. See the contradictions?

I hope I have left with enough worms in all your head to scratch and pull it out!

THE END

I do not really have any clarity after watching these movies either, the contradiction still lies. So for now, I have decided to be both Joker and Batman, use the masks effectively as and when needed.

Anyway, we are all wearing a mask all the time! (Not the Corona Mask you guys, phew)

You all know, what!

But, it still tickles me, if Batman had anything to do with Buddha.

What do you think?

Blooming…

Wild Flower

April 12, 2020
3 Years!

Being able to embrace contradictions is a sign of intelligence. Or insanity. – Richard Kadrey

26^th February 2019, a reminder popped up on my Facebook feed about the blog post I wrote last year. Just then I realized it is my 3^rd year anniversary of leaving my comfortable corporate job. Every year I have celebrated this day, but this year I forgot. Forgot for good? Maybe! It seems like a sign that I have detached from the strings.

How is this life been away from the city, family, and friends? Everyone asks-I cringe a little and smile, saying it’s okay. No, that’s not the answer they expected and that’s not the answer I expected either. I was very hopeful when I left the job that I will be happier than I was before, more satisfied with life than I was before, more sorted with relationships than I was before.

But life had other plans; I have spoken about this in a long post before so I am not getting there again. If you would like to read, here it is! Silence in the air.

Here is a snippet of these 3 years, Bright and Dark side of this life.

Mountain Life

After I left the corporate job and traveled a bit, I started working in the mountains. I lasted for 2 and a half months as it got hectic than I ever thought. In fact, I had more time in a corporate job to write than I had here. My blog was rotting and I hadn’t written in months, one day I went to the owner and said I would like to quit as I am unable to find time for writing.

Now again, I am with mountains. It’s been a year, it’s the same again; after I came here I stopped writing again but I indulged myself in many of my other favorite likings: dancing and sketching. There was a constant unexplained void though, that I am unable to find time for writing.

Bright Side

I am not in a polluted city cramped up in the AC ducts, working on some meaningless excel files. I work with the mountains breathing fresh air and still work on excel files though but the ones filled with meaning (I mean it).

Every morning I wake up to a different view, sometimes to the sun shining right through the window and sometimes to the dark clouds and sometimes to heavy wind and sometimes to rains.

On bad days/stressful days, on the days when I feel if I made the right decision of moving to mountains-all I have to do is make a coffee or hot chocolate and stare at mountains. That answers my doubt, for that day.

Dark Side

Out of many things I disliked in a corporate job, gossiping, biased decisions by peers/seniors was the most difficult situations to handle. With or without knowledge, we often get into this loop of “gossips”. After I left the job, I assumed that I will never get into this Black Hole (Gossips) again. I was wrong, I had forgotten that I will be dealing with humans wherever I go, be it mountains or beach or road or corporate job. It took me a lot of time to accept that this “Black Hole” situation is normal and it is a common trait that humans carry. (As I write this, I am feeling uncomfortable as I have not yet found the answer to why humans (including me) do this, existential questions you see)

There are always contradictions with everything we do, there is always a bright and dark side with everything we do. We just got to accept which dark side is more comfortable to be with and which dark side leads to the brighter path.

Blooming…

Wild Flower

April 20, 2019
Silence in the air.

And silence, like darkness, can be kind; it, too, is a language-Hanif Kureishi

Soaking in the sunset, Kozhikode beach.

In my earlier post, that’s last year; I spoke about all the mistakes I made after I quit my job. I said I am much clearer about the goals and have plans to achieve them. Yes, the goals did get clear, the process to reach the goals changed. This change put me into a silent world, where words are neither spoken nor written. This change kept me away from everything that I was intending to do after I quit my job.

The constant need to update about life, life dependent on numbers on how many followers, numerous bloggers all across social media, millions of blog posts with tips and corners to cover the place. There came a point where my existence didn’t find any need at all. Everybody was writing their own story about the same painting on a different canvas. I could not!

Lack of Consistency

With repeated events in life that pulled me down, I was already lagging behind on the blog posts. From once a week, once a month, once in 2 months, once in 6 months & once a year. This was the pace at which I was publishing a blog post. I was hardly sharing posts on my social media accounts too. The consistency was lost, Big time!

Followers’ game

I maintained a diary on how to boost my blog; there are thousands of tips on the internet. I jotted them and tried them. None of it was satisfactory, for example commenting on an account with a high number of followers to get recognition. It was so not me, to just randomly comment on some account just so that I get visibility. I did do a couple of times but my conscious didn’t feel right about it. Many such processes kept bothering me a lot on if I really did make the right choice of taking up blogging.

Personal note

I did not start writing to make money; I started writing because I felt like writing. Writing has always been personal, it will remain personal. I cannot write if I have not had any experience, this may be the reason why I could not really find freelance writing opportunities. Even if I did find, it did not last long. Very recently one of the editors I was freelancing with mentioned that “your writing on your blog is very different than what you write for us”. After which, I did not receive any offer from her; this is when I realized why I have not been able to find any freelance writing opportunities.

Job

I was not up for a followers game, I was not a good fit to do the freelance job so I was pretty much not fit for anything- a sense of Self-loathing. But I was very sure of not getting back to my corporate job, I was also sure of finding a way to keep my goals intact.

The goals remain the same, I changed the process of achieving it. I started to look for a job in a location where I would fit, somewhere in mountains probably and I found one. A job that allows me to be in mountains and that allows me to travel once in a while. A job that lets my creativity unleash its wings. A job that keeps my sanity sane.

It was not an intentional break from blogging; I had no calling towards it anymore, hence the silence. Number of readers, number of followers, number of posts; Huf! These numbers don’t matter anymore.

It is only the words that matter and always will. I decided then that, I will write when the words need me.

Sunset by the mountains.

Why am I talking about all of this now?
There are some of you who have emailed me and some of you who have always stood by me and still have. For all of you, I owe an answer to my silence. Hence!

Blooming…

Wild Flower

January 31, 2019
Mistakes I learned from after quitting my job!

We don’t make mistakes, Just happy little accidents-Bob Ross

26^th February 2016, the day is stamped in my memories for all the good reasons. I was leaving behind the biggest baggage of my life-my corporate job. I was taking my last breath in the AC filled rooms to venturing my breath in the fresh air. End of one life to the beginning of the new one. Fixed salary every month, friends and memories-all of it I had to leave behind. There was no other choice, the decision was made for my better life and I had to move forward even if the emotional baggage on my back was much heavier.

Time ticked, 26^th February finished its routine. Now, what next? No swiping ID card to enter the office, No manager to report to, no more AC chillness, no more drama with colleagues, no more free coffee, no more fixed salary. All I have now is my “freedom”; mine alone, the freedom that I own.

September 2015 I spent a week in Sri Lanka for my birthday, once I returned I couldn’t work in a closed space anymore. I was confused if I can hold my corporate job and travel using my leaves and long weekends like I did the whole of 2015. It was not enough, every time I had to come back to work that I don’t like; I had this feeling to rip myself out & scream that I am not meant to be here.

Also read: Confession from a Confused Mind.

I had an EMI of my phone to clear so I forced myself to work for few months, save some money and then leave the job. Meanwhile, I started my research on travel blogging, volunteering, freelancing and other jobs I could do while traveling. Everything looked promising; I decided to take the plunge and resigned after 4 months.

After I left the job I had my savings to survive for the next few months, as there is money in the bank account I was not very serious about looking out for opportunities. This was the first mistake I made and everything else followed along with this.

Plans

I did not have any prior experience of writing, blogging and neither did I have any contacts in any media to publish my articles. My rough plan was to travel the next few months with my savings, and then I would receive my Provident Fund (PF) amount which I can use as a base and freelance. Most of the times, few things don’t work like we would want it to work. My PF amount didn’t hit at the right time but I got a job in an Organic Farm/Guest House, this was just when I was almost out of my savings.

This job gave me a feasible income, not less and not more. Just as much as I needed, the job was hectic and I couldn’t concentrate on writing so I could not look for any freelance jobs either. I left the job after 2 months, traveled again for a while and then was almost out of money. Searching for freelance jobs is one of the biggest tasks, it was too difficult and always demotivated me. As I knew I was going to receive my PF amount sometime soon, I have to accept that I almost lost hopes to look out for freelance jobs.

I never believed in plans, plans don’t work I would say. Well, it does work sometimes, especially when a major decision of leaving a job is taken; there should be a good plan to sustain. I indeed did my research before leaving the job but it was not enough, a stronger plan with a good foundation was needed. I was trying to build a palace even without buying a land.

Goals

Making a big name in blogging, being an author could have been my ideal goals. I did not have any, at that moment when I had to leave the job; I was only looking for opportunities where I can survive while traveling. There are many roads and I tried stepping on every road without reaching any destination, of course, the journey taught me great lessons but the destination is amazingly beautiful too. I pretty much blindfolded myself to look at one goal, I was trying to shoot the bullet without aiming.

Money

So far the biggest mistake is to take things very lightly with money, after the job in the Organic Farm/Guest House, I was almost broke the next 2 months, that’s when my long wait for PF came through. I was on cloud 9, I made smaller plans to use this money as a base and do freelance jobs while I savor on this vagrant lifestyle.

As the opportunities for freelancing were very less and every time I think of it I would be upset, I met someone who gave an idea to start the café. I invested all my money to start the café; the very first day when the work had to begin I was betrayed. Not to dwell more on this, the cafe didn’t work out and I lost all my money.

I did not plan better, was not clear with my goals and I took money as a very simple commodity. But let the truth be spoken, money is needed! No matter what, even if I want to escape into a forest I need money to eat food, stay healthy to walk and stay focused.

These are the mistakes I do not really feel good about, instead of “I should have done this or that”; I would like to learn from these mistakes. I am now clear on goals and have better plans to achieve them, like Albert Einstein said-A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

Blooming…

Wild Flower
(more…)

February 26, 2018