Money is my favourite concept to talk about, So why is Money my favourite thing to talk, because it has been the most challenging thing for me to deal with most of my life. This is also why I indulged myself to learn a lot more about Money when I started my Upcycling business a year ago.
I read books, I watched videos of billionaires on their Money Mindset, I listened to Podcasts, I followed an infinite number of coaches’ advice, I even hired a coach-you name it, I have done it. All of it, for me to expand and learn about Money as I was so freaking bad with it.
But just learning isn’t enough right, you will have to integrate whatever you learn. And also, if you learn from 1000 sources like I did, there are 1000 perspectives. You will not be able to integrate every perspective, if you do so, you are losing yourself in the process and you are just trying to be like someone else and you are doing all of this only because-“If I do this then I will be able to earn more money”!
This is exactly what I was doing and nothing was working out, and that’s when I started to look deeper into my life and the kind of stories I had created for myself with respect to Money. There are many factors that affect your relationship with money, to make it simpler for you all to understand, I have broken it down into these 3 major factors:
Family, you were raised in.
Society.
Generational Patterns.
Family, you were raised in.
Now, the family you have been raised in plays a huge role, even from the time you were in your Mother’s womb. From ages 0-8 our Subconscious Mind is super active, we do not have a developed rational mind. This is what I call the sponge state, where we absorb everything that we see, hear, smell, touch, and feel. If your parents fought over money, you would have absorbed that and formed a story that Money brings in fights in the family, if you were raised in a family where money was just enough for survival needs, you would have formed a story that Money will not bring in happiness.
So I want you to go back, and see if you can recollect if you can remember any memories from your childhood that had to do with Money. You may not remember it also and that’s fine. So here’s how I recently discovered how I carried on exact same patterns as my Mother did.
In my adult life, I was always the one who would be generous and give people Money, even when I didn’t have any, I would borrow from others and give to people. Ofcourse, it always got me into trouble. But I just wouldn’t stop, definitely, this is a people-pleasing behaviour where I just wanted that person to be with me and I did not want to tell NO.
Recently I had this realisation, that my Mother would do exactly the same thing. As a kid, I always saw her helping my Uncle-her brother with Money, she use to borrow from neighbours and give him money and then the neighbours would come asking for it.
So, do you see the connection? I was shocked when I had this realisation, ofcourse I was aware I was a People Pleaser but what I did not know was how I took it all from my mom.
Make a note of all the common behaviours you have in your life with Money and Journal about it, and wait and see if something comes up. Since it is all subconscious mind, it takes a while for it to pop up so don’t force it. It happens in the most unusual times, like when you are washing vessels or cleaning your house.
And it is still okay, even if you don’t remember anything. As long as you are aware that you have a behavioural pattern, that can be changed.
2. Society
We all grow up, and we are of course part of society. We hear stories from others, we watch movies, we are told to live a certain way, we are told Rich people are Evil, and we are told Money brings unhappiness. Societal conditioning is very much deeply rooted to be on the Survival mode, this is how we evolved right? And that Survival mode, our fight and flight mode loves drama. Loves staying in the victim mindset and loves to loathe self-pity.
I have been here, I would always gain attraction from people saying “I do not have Money”, so that they feel pity and help me. This may be triggering to some of you, but this is how it is. This is why I am being transparent and telling you, that I have also lived in this mindset most of my life. Ofcourse, I was doing it all subconsciously and when I realised it, I felt very ashamed and had to work on being compassionate about myself and showing love to my inner self.
So now, I want you to ask yourself, what kind of stories I have formed from the influence of society?
Where did you pick these stories from, was it from your neighbours or friends or colleagues or movies, Movies surely do influence us. Especially when most of our movies have Villains who are super rich, I find this very funny. I have no idea how all evil characters are so rich! I think I saw a meme about this, making fun of evil characters being rich hahahaha
3. Generational Conditioning
So here, you will have to go deeper into your family history. For example, on My Father’s side, they were very poor, I have heard stories where they would just eat rice with water. My Grandfather really struggled a lot as a farmer to raise 8 children. God knows how it was when my Grandfather was a kid, and this was the time when India was ruled by the British and most of the farmers were deeply affected. So the Money struggle is in my family for generations. My father moved from the village to the city for a very low-wage paying job, even though it was a government job, it was not paying him well. I am pretty much like a first-generation educated child, so my Father always passed on that conditioning to me that “Money comes only with the struggle” explicitly and also genetically.
Now, I am not a scientist to talk about Genes, there are some theories that say Generational trauma is real and some theories say it is not. It is a debatable topic, but from what I have personally experienced and what I have seen, generational trauma does seem real.
So now, see if you can find out about your family history. If you are on good terms with your family and you feel safe with them, this might be easy. If you are not on good terms, there is a way for that too. Map all the political movements that your ancestors might have gone through, like in India British rule did affect a lot of people. Any religious or cultural parties, that may have affected how your family has shaped the stories around money, see if you can pull up any information around all that you think may have affected your ancestors.
And most importantly, be compassionate to yourself while you do the work, I do know all of these stories can be triggering. It was for me, and it still is for me on many levels. Take your time and do it in a relaxed way. I also do want to iterate on this, that there is nothing wrong with you if you do not know how to deal with Money. There is nothing wrong with you if you have made bad choices in the past about Money. There is nothing wrong with you if you are broke.
And don’t ever tie your Self Worth and Value to the Money you have, that’s just how society defines it, unfortunately. Culturally, we have just been those people who want to label everyone based on their societal status and that status is mostly judged on how much money they have.
Hope all of this gave you some insights into your relationship with money, this will be a series of many blog posts so watch out for more.
I am also conducting a workshop on how to strengthen your relationship with Money, Initially, I was keeping it open only for Entrepreneurs as I saw a lot of people struggling with pricing their products. While we will cover that as well, it is open for everyone if you would want to uncover all these whacky stories and live the free life that you deserve.
As I am getting closer to celebrating my 1 year anniversary as an Entrepreneur of my Upcycling business, which I launched last year on April 20th. I have just been seeing some old photos of the posts and reels I have shared on Instagram.
If you don’t know what I do, I collect fabric leftovers during the production process and make products from them. If you would like to buy, check my Instagram page @upcyclewither. So when I first started, I wanted this brand to be a Women’s Apparel brand, if you would have read this post called “Learnings and Musings of 2021” you would know the story.
Anyway, in short, I launched the brand, it was in the mid of the raging pandemic, but I still did get orders from friends and in a month’s time by end of May or so, I had to let go of the tailor I was working with. I personally do not have any degree in fashion or sewing, at that time I had just learnt some basics from that tailor.
So I cancelled all of these orders or rather said I will keep it on hold until I find another tailor, and that did not happen either. I slowly started to learn online and started stitching myself and introducing accessories like Coasters, Handbags and so on.
What I wanted to talk about in particular in this episode is “Failures” and how we perceive them. Failures are Feedback, there is nothing wrong or right about it, or rather there are a lot of right things that come with it. Then why are we so afraid of them, in my perspective, we are not afraid of failures, rather we are afraid of how people will look at us if we fail at something.
In that fear, very often we may not even want to take that step and even if we do if there is the feedback we do not know how to process it in a healthy way.
I have just been trying to recollect how I held myself when I realised I cannot make it as an apparel brand and then switched over to accessories.
I had done a pretty good mindset work by then, on not wanting to give any thought to how others are going to judge me because I did not make it as an Apparel brand. I was of course very upset about how to go about this but at the same time, I also firmly believed that everything happens for a reason and at this moment I will concentrate on what can be done and what can I learn from this situation.
I was also joking on Instagram 2 days ago, coz I love clothes and I am glad that the apparel line did not work out coz I was afraid that I will keep it all to myself which I did with a few of them. hahaha
Last week I watched the documentary Return to Space the story of Elon Musk how he started Space X and about all their rocket launches and failures and success stories. The first 3 launches of SpaceX failed and that cost them 100 million dollars that’s how much Elon Musk had at that time to invest, they did not stop after that. He and his team worked together again and built another rocket which was a success. Rest is history, you all know how Successful he is now with SpaceX.
This is the mindset most successful people operate from, I always wondered why the failures aren’t spoken much of, that’s coz they don’t stick on it too much. Okay, it’s done, it’s over, we have learnt something from it and how can I implement that on the next one.
Just this one mindset is enough, for us to handle anything in life-personal or professional. And you know, when your mindset is so strong you will energetically repel all those people you are worried about who are going to shame you or even if they do, you will not bother about it anymore.
Now that you are aware, failure is an illusion, here is a sign for you to start whatever you have been putting on hold.
Introducing my new coaching program, Rewind to Rewire to work through all these blocks of Failures and Success, click here to apply.
This weekend I watched the movie Penguins of Madagascar, I watched a movie after a really long time. Yesterday was Ugadi, the new year for us, after celebrating in my village and all the heavy cleaning that I did at home, my body was tired so I thought let me watch a movie. First of all, it’s been so long since I watched one and it’s been really long since I watched an animated one. I was confused to choose which one, and then I saw this movie, I love Penguins so I was like okay! Let’s do this!
When I was working in a school a few years ago, the most fun job I had was to do research on the movies for the kids to watch and play that movie for them. During this time, I use to watch the movies with them and I realised how animated movies are so philosophical and wondered why Adults cringe to watch animated movies.
Sorry, if you haven’t watched the movie, this is going to be a spoiler.
Okay, now the lessons:
Follow your path, Not the Herd.
In the very first scene of the movie, there is an egg that flows on the snowy path where there is a group of penguins walking one behind another in a straight line. There are 3 little penguins, who come out of the line and question where are they even going in the same line like everybody else, and another penguin says we just follow everybody. At the same time, they see an egg falling off and they are on a mission to save the egg. Even though they do see death threats from other creatures, they still go ahead and save the egg somehow and find their 4th partner in their “Adventure”.
One thing is to follow whatever is right for you and not what the majority of society says or does, and question if at all you do feel you are blindly following what everybody is doing. Questioning is the first step in itself, to find the path-in case you are confused about what your path is!
2. Blinded by the Idea of Beauty-Physical Appearance
Just like in every story, there is a villain in this movie too. The Charming Villian as they call him, Dave the Octopus who once was the star of the show in the circus, loses his fans when the cute penguins come in. He would be doing really well with his skills and when the Penguins come in, people stop looking at Octopus and then he is sent away in a cage. He later kidnaps the four penguins-Skipper, Kowalski, Rico and Private and tells them that everybody thinks he is ugly and the Penguins are super cute so he is been plotting revenge for many years now against them.
You see, the skills that Octopus has, the Penguins do not and vice versa. The comparisons of the external beauty with others, and the whole idea of external beauty in itself, will only blind us from seeing our own skills and leads to chronic comparisons with others, Jealousy, revenge and all that will only go spiralling downwards.
3. Revenge is an Infinite Poison to the Ego
So now, long story short-Dave the Octopus kidnaps all the Penguins all across the world, even from Bangalore hah hahaha I was laughing when they mentioned Bangalore as this is where I live. Okay, getting back to the plot, so he kidnaps all of them to make them look all Ugly with his dangerous Poison called “Ray” that he has developed.
He does inject this poison and all the penguins come out looking ugly and the Octopus is having that victorious villain laugh, he screams on the mike, that I am Happy and yet, now that I have my revenge, I feel, empty; as if what I needed all along is more revenge! Then he says to his octopus assistant Robin-that tomorrow we move on to Kittens, then Puppies, Bunnies, Pandas.
See, this is what it is about Revenge. It is never-ending, even though it feels satisfying once we have it, although it is the Ego that is satisfied, and the Ego is also never satisfied with that feeling so want more so you will create more scenarios and the revenge adds on like an Infinite Poison to the Ego
4. Accepting that we are wrong when we are wrong
There is other spy character that I liked in the movie, called Classified played by the Dog. Classified has his own rescue agency where he rescues animals. He once rescues these penguins from Dave the Octopus, and they together plan to go against Dave but somewhere the Penguins screw up the whole plan and he does not trust them anymore.
The next time, the Penguins follow their suit and this time their plan gets screwed up and they get trapped along with the penguins.
In the end, he and his agents do come back but the 4-star penguins have already been on the mission of saving the rest of the Penguins and in the end, Classified accepts that he was wrong about the penguins and their plan and mission.
Even though he always showed himself as the most skilled and trained professional in rescuing animals, when he did see the Penguins do all the work. He did drop his ego and appreciated the work they did.
And how often, do we forget this about appreciating our peers, our friends, our family when they do a good job. The ego, of course, loves that feeling of “I know everything” and by appreciating others I am putting myself down. But it is actually the opposite, by appreciating others, you are appreciating their work and you are also raising your vibrations and not falling into the trap of Competition and Comparisons. Where everything looks equal, nobody is high or low!
5. Don’t limit your dreams!
At the beginning of the scene, these 3 little penguins question on why do they have those little wings when they cant fly. In the end after Classified, praises them, he asks how can he repay them. Since he is so skilled technically and develops super cool technology, the penguins ask him for Jet Packs and in the end, they are flying so happily.
By saying, Who says Penguins cant fly!
If Wright brothers had limited their thinking that as humans we cannot fly, we would not have planes perhaps. So don’t ever limit yourself with your dreams, something that you feel that is impossible is may be the path for you to make it possible.
Dont you worry about how it is going to happen if these penguins were worried that they cant fly and just sulked on it. They would have just followed the herd just like everybody else, but they came out, they lived in the moment, they were happy, they took risks, they enjoyed their journey and in the end something they once thought that they cant, they eventually did!
Hope you all learnt something from this, right now in my life I am going through a different phase and I surely wanted all of these to be re affirmed. This is why I always say, things do not happen to us as a Coincidence, we are all meant to see something, hear from some people for a reason and that reason is for our growth! It is the way, Universe is helping you!
Just like everybody else on this planet, all I wanted in my life is to be happy. Like who doesn’t? Hahaha! We all want to, yet we still are not, from inside. At least the ones I have attracted in my life before hahaha. I had a pretty decent childhood, village travels and a normal Indian middle-class life in the city with great friends by my house, both the schools I studied was good giving preference to extra activities which was my favourite part-dancing, singing, sports, etc etc etc.
As I stepped into adulthood is when everything seemed so strict around me, pressure to score good marks, pressure to find a good college, pressure to find a good job, pressure to find a good husband. Oh my, I can go on.
Again, not to complain, all my corporate jobs was decent enough unlike others, I had good fun in those 6 years, made good friends at that time. In fact my last job in Cisco was good, I would always say that I would get a job in Cisco during my retiring days.
But, that Joy I was seeking that I had as a kid, no, it was not there at all.
Fast forward to many years=to 2021 when my journey towards being a successful entrepreneur and being rich began hahaha little did I know, on this journey I would find that Joy back again.
To be sure, I checked on the internet or the Google god hahaha on what’s the difference between happiness and Joy, it said Happiness is something that comes out from an external source like a show or a movie or friends or family or book, you fill-up the blank to whatever makes you happy.
Joy is something that you feel, even when you don’t have all this. You are at the present, you are living the now and you are still joyful.
I keep telling this all the time, I have spoken about this so many times on my YouTube and Instagram, if you follow me here, I am sorry if you are sick of it! So September 1st is my birthday and this month, every morning when I woke up I had a huge smile and in the night when I slept too and of course all through the day as well.
I was dancing all the time, I was dancing on the terrace not worrying about who is watching me, I was grinning as much as my chin and jaws hurt. Mind you, at this time, I barely had made any progress or I should I chose not to have any hahaha, no big social media following, So, there was absolutely no external factor at all that was making me happy. It was all that baby kind of smile for no reason, absolute pure joy that I barely can explain words.
Recently when I was checking my Journal, I saw quite a few things that were written and that’s when I realised why I was feeling so content and full that way. August was exactly the opposite, I will need another full episode to share what happened this month, but anyway in the last week of August every morning, I started to write about what was happening to my mind and body. The thoughts, the feelings, the pain all of it. Usually, whenever I write anything, it’s in the form of a letter. Say, for example, if I need to remind myself and tell myself or write about my accomplishments, I start with Dear Sneha.
The same way, If I have something to ask or tell the Universe, I say Dear Universe, so in of those letters that I have written, I found this piece where I have asked sorry for all that I have done in my past and also for ignoring the signs that were sent to me-during some of the tragic moments of my life.
If you are listening to this and wondering what is she talking about, some woohoo story, I won’t judge you, because if I would have read something like this 3 years ago, I would have said the same.
You see, there is this saying called in Kannada, Kannada is the language we speak in South India for those who don’t know. “Sankata bandaga venkataramana” means, whenever you are in trouble is when you think of God.
Well, this is what is told to us too, cry, plead and beg god when you are in pain. And then God will be like, oh I never said that! I don’t want you to cry, plead and Beg, all I want you to do is communicate to me in the language I know and that is Love. Hahhaa! Okay, this is a topic for another day.
So, there were many many many traumatic incidents in my life in the past, and all thanks to my memory, I remember every bit of it. Also, I remember just before it happened, there was also a sign all the time for me not to go ahead with it. But I still did, of course, I am also not blaming myself, my nervous system was used to being in a traumatic state and all that I attracted was that.
So point being, when I was writing those letters I kind of realised that I need to apologise to the Universe for ignoring the signs and also surrender all of that paint that I went through. Also, mind you, I can’t remember intentionally writing this, those words possibly just felt out as it had to be cleared out.
That lightness I felt, that charm on my face, those dance moves were all due to the results of letting go of whatever I was holding on to. As kids, we are exactly like this, because we are not born with any sufferings or pain or fear, this is why kids are genuinely happy.
And that my friends, is how I got my Joy back.
Work with me 1:1 to transform yourself to live the life you deserve to live, click here.
Surrender you all, Surrender! Let the Ego go go and open your soul and heart to heal.
As you can see in the title it is all about the learnings I had in 2021, I know we are 1.5 months ahead in 2022 but somehow this topic kept coming back in my head to share my learnings, so here you go the story of my favourite year of my life-The 2021.
Before I start the actual story, I just want to talk about someone who is my online Mentor-Bob Proctor whose videos got me hooked like a fevicoal last year around the same time. He passed from his physical body to eternal spirit last week and I was a little upset. Anyway, I do believe that nobody dies, they are always there for us in another form.
So something interesting happened, the day when I came to know he passed, that night I could not sleep well. I usually don’t do this but every time this has happened, it guides me to open Instagram, I did that day and I saw a new person liking my recent Post. When I went to her profile, it said she is New york’s best selling author and guess what she was also one of the closest friends of Bob Proctor! I was like, wow! There was this post of her’s with photos of Bob and she talking about their friendship and I dwelled up! My goodness, this cannot be a coincidence! Whatever I am now, I owe a lot to him and I know he will always be there for me!
So starting with whatever he imparted on me that had a huge effect starting from January 2021, he always said you are an average of 5 people you hang out with! I was like okay, now that’s something I need to seriously look into; because boy oh boy the friendships I had was nowhere closer to the new Sneha that I was trying to become. So, Let’s dive in!
Its okay to put yourself first by Letting go of Old Friendships that does not serve you!
You see when you decide your goals and attain those goals, this is how I need to be and this is how everything around me has to be; the situations and circumstances start to change by themselves. It started with January when there was this circumstance that came up and I had to let go of these girls who were friends with me for more than a decade. Was it painful? Yes, was it required? Also yes! Whatever they did to me in that circumstance was not something that I could accept and I had to take a step back and tell them that I don’t want to be part of this kind of friendship anymore! After this, between Feb to April again certain situations came up where I again let go of another set of long term friends. I don’t know if it is sounding selfish because that’s how it feels as these were long terms friends and they have been there during my worst times but this time the way they were behaving with me was something that I could not tolerate. Even now, if you ask me how I had the courage to do that, I still do not know. Like I said, I guess when you are so firm on what is serving you and what is not, you will take certain decisions that you have never taken in your life to uplevel for the next step. So, I kind of lost about 97% of my friends, I was known to have friends all across the city and none of it mattered to me at that time. I was even fine to have 0 friends, and all that mattered to me was me and my goals and putting myself as a priority first, Finally
2. Opinions of Others that didn’t matter!
It was probably a week to 10 days before I was launching my upcycle business, a friend of mine, again who I knew for more than a decade came home with her partner. The day before she came home, she called me and asked if I would hang out with them that weekend and I immediately said no, I also made a statement that I am not coming out anywhere for the next year. I was laughing at this as I typed along because this is not me who would say something like that! A People pleaser Sneha who does not say no to people finally started doing so.
So both of them came home to pick up something from me and I had just gotten the initial products that were ready for the launch, I was all excited and showing it to them and this dude-her partner goes like-whats a big deal in this, it’s not like an idea that I have never got, oh it is just a piece of Banyan cloth-Banyan cloth for those who don’t know is a cheap elastic fabric! I just smiled at him and said, this much Ego is not good for your health. I am an Empath and I get super sensitive with what others say to me. So again, my goal was much stronger to repel all these opinions that others put out. Anyway, the good news is, that was another friend that was meant to let go and that is why he behaved that way. Universe by my side giggling!
Another one was with this really good friend of mine, she is still a good friend but yes again, everybody has their own limiting beliefs and that’s how their opinions come out. So, I got this idea of creating clothes with stories of people which in my head, was fantastic and brilliant and when I shared it with her, I did not receive a positive response.
I was also talking about this on my youtube video with respect to the topic of Self Love/Self-compassion, this is where it starts when we prioritise that our opinion matters the most and not others.
3. Circumstances that were not in my control
Okay, for those all of you who blame circumstances and situations, this is a must-read. I also want to say, that if you are one of them who blame, there is nothing wrong with it as I was that person too. Since most of society operates that way, we all believe that’s the way to go. So getting into the details now, I launched my brand on April 20th 2021, That date was important, I cannot say what it is but my mind was somehow stuck to that date. This was also the time when Covid was rampaging all around-the second wave. Even though I was having second thoughts if I should go with it, the voice that was louder in me was to go ahead. Also, this good friend of mine, mirrored the same as me that every time there is going to be something.
So, I got all my fabric waste from these factories in a city called Tirupur, and I was so practical and so strategically business-minded, I wanted to have a launch video. I don’t know where I got that idea from, but I wanted to so badly and I wanted it to be a professional video. At that time, this friend of mine whose pictures I saw and liked, I asked her who clicked and she said it was her husband and he is passionate and I could see the passion in the work. I was also in this place where I was still considering this business as a side business and I was not completely serious to be very honest. But, my vision since day 1 was whomever I work with I will pay them well coz I know the pain of not being paid as an artist. So anyway, long story short, I want to keep this one short because this can be an episode in itself, so I met this couple, discussed everything and he suggested we will visit the factory and shoot a video. All that happened, we came back, he sent me the video, this was just about a few days before the launch. I liked the video and in the intro, I wanted a very minor change in the music that was used, so I called him and I explained to him and he immediately goes like, very rudely “I cant compose the music”. I handled it well but I almost got into the tone of crying and immediately sensed okay, I don’t feel like using these videos. I don’t want to start my business with this kind of energy.
I sat on my desk, I cried and I had just written a poem and was staring at it, immediately this guy whom I had met on my travels who had worked on Bollywood was an editor came to my mind and I called him, and he said he can help me out.
So to this other photographer, I sent him the payment and he also kind of sent me another rude text that he will delete all the videos from his drive soon and asked me to download them. The next few days, I was so anxious and was trying to download these files and it was not working with the connection I had I finally decided I don’t feel like using these videos so just texted him to remove it all!
By then, I had this friend who had shown interest in doing photography for me and I asked her if she can take a few clippings as this is not working out. She said yes. That poem I had just written when this guy behaved rudely that day, became the background score and the idea for my launch video and it turned out to be way better than the other one, so intimate and so personal.
There were 2 things I learnt from this: 1. It was my mistake too for not being too serious about my work and randomly making decisions and at the same time accepting myself and not beating myself upon it. 2. To acknowledge that situation also came up because something better is coming up-which eventually did.
And because of this circumstance, another friend went out of the zone too, probably I should have named this as learnings from friends hahaha ex-friends!
After this, I was all preparing well for the launch and something happened again! I was like, Universe, are you freaking kidding me! This is what happened, Just one day before the launch, a closed family member tested positive. This was the time when I would see news of beds not being available in Blore and so much chaos everywhere, I was like phew! And guess what, in just a few hours this family member got a bed and we were told that there was nothing to worry about as it was a moderate case.
That previous night, I ofcourse didn’t sleep and was continuously praying in the hopes of things getting better. It did! So, I went ahead with my launch, it was well-received, ofcourse I was not deeply celebrating, it was also probably coz I was already in that feeling all through the process and at the same time the covid situation too.
I got a few orders and the next week, a strict order of lockdown was announced. I again, took that positively as I had more time to indulge in learning Instagram and marketing and how to promote the products, I was also learning sewing at that time.
The next 2 weeks, was mostly my work on Instagram, 2 of my cousins tested positive, took care of this family member, calls to hospitals and checked on everyone around. My goodness, I probably had like 20 hands and 20 heads with 2 Kalis in my body at that time.
The good things that came out of this Covid situation were, something magically happened with respect to family dynamics. I can’t share the full details as it is too personal, but it all shifted everything in a beautifully positive way; this is also the best manifestation that happened to me last year! Mind you, I had not even asked for it!
4. Broken Promises by People that turned into Biggest Discoveries
At the end of 2020, there was this Sales guy who found my profile on Naukri & called me for a freelance job. At that time, all I wanted was to divert my mind and took it up. I would slog all day and as the days went by, the kind of job role this was I was not feeling connected to as it was to do a lot with Artificial Intelligence as I was a super practical environmentalist person at that time if you would have read the earlier blog post, you know.
After a month when the time came to pay, he was behaving weird and not up for the conversation. Exactly a year ago on 13th February, I had this heated conversation with this guy about his lies and manipulative stories he made about the payment. Speak of the timing eh? I for sure did not know I would be sharing this story as a learning, a year later.
I remember the date so well because I journaled about it, as that night is when the upcycled business idea came in coz I couldn’t sleep as I was so angry at him! So, this was the first person who broke the promise and that led to changing my whole life!!!
I immediately called a tailor near my house who I had once discussed this idea about, at that time she said she cant but this time she said she will. But you see, Universe wants to throw some more situations to make me stronger hahaha! There was something that happened at home, where it came to a place where I may have to move out. I was discussing this business idea with a friend at that time and also the situation at home, and just on one call, we came up with a business idea together to start a sustainable gifting solution.
Everything was happening fast, we would always have phone calls, I would wake up early to plan out, but somewhere deep deep inside there was this voice that was saying this will not work out. Hahaha! Anyway, after 2 weeks or so, I kind of realised I was not syncing well with this girl and calmly told her I will back out from this as I am not feeling comfortable. She didn’t take it well and she started on her own with the same idea as mine.
Right after that things got better at home, and then I started my business plan again.
Aaannnnd you may not believe who may be this other person who broke the promise.
Like I said earlier, the business was launched in April, covid situation, I was learning sewing and planning strategies for business, handle Instagram. It was getting a little too hectic and I told my tailor that I will take a break from learning and you continue with the sewing of orders, right after that, she stopped taking things seriously. As I was not going there every day, she would screw up whatever design I share, she would just randomly tell me that she can’t take orders and also started to increase the price from whatever we agreed on before. After weeks of thinking and overthinking, with no plans on what is going to happen next, messaging everyone who ordered with me telling me to cancel them, I took the decision to let her go-the only soul person of my business!
So in all of these situations-I am not blaming any of them, it is not about they are right or wrong, this is for me to understand what was in me, that attracted situations like this. In the sales guy’s case, I did not make clear boundaries with respect to payment and I did not even ask for any written document of proof that I was working for him.
In my friend’s case, I was not clearly communicating even though I felt that it might not work out in the beginning days.
In my tailor’s case, I was highly superficial myself at my work, and so was she. As the business was new and with broken records of handling finances in the past. Even though I was paying her fairly, whatever she asked, I was still not sure what fair pricing was as I was still operating a lot from a lack of mindset.
All 3 people, lead me to the biggest discoveries of my life. Starting the business, revealing my hidden strengths, learning to be independent and a lot lot lot more.
This is how I evolved you all, sorry-evolving. Always accepting the people and circumstances that happened for me, that helped me on my growth and not sit and suffer that God is treating me bad, an FYI-God will never do such things! hahahah
5. Taking Calculative Risks and Burning my Ego
Everybody who knows me personally knows that I always take risks. From quitting my corporate job and venturing into travelling, I did that all to escape from another reality and was too naive. I was not at all practical, especially when it came to Money. In my early days of working, I have not managed Credit cards very well so after I cleared those bills, I destroyed them and did not want to get them anymore.
Since I wanted to expand myself and invest in a coach last year, hiring a private coach is always on higher terms. My mindset was pretty strong by then and this time I knew I will be careful. As soon as I made that decision, I got a call from the bank to avail of this credit card, my credit score has always been good so I got a great deal and that’s the first biggest risk I took. I purchased a new sewing machine, I took a DIY coaching course by Jen Sincero.
I was still not feeling enough, I mean my soul craved for more growth. Now, I wanted to hire a private coach. To pay this coach, I had to ask for money from someone who I was most uncomfortable with; that’s where again the test was. I had to burn my Ego and ask for help! I did, I hired a coach and I became a coach.
(Apply here if you would like to work with me 1:1 to attract Abundance)
Once you set your mind to something, don’t worry about how things will fall in place. Just be ready to accept whatever comes in if I would have told Oh! I am trying to manifest money through my sales, why am I getting credit card calls and why has this person suddenly offered me money! Then the Universe will be like, well, she asked for help and now she is saying no!
Remember that old story, of a man drowning in floods, he asked God to save him by ignoring the help that came through car, boat and a helicopter and then he died and went up and asked God why didn’t he help me and god was like I did send you car, boat and a helicopter.
This story was reminded to me again, from this book that my coach referred to me called The law of divine compensation, a great read if you would like to.
For now, If you came this far, let me know if you learned anything at all from my lessons, as always I am active on Instagram. You can tag me or message me. If you would like to buy my products, click here, currently there is a 40 % discount going on.
I started by talking about Bob Proctor, I will end with the same in one of his videos, he had mentioned, “One year from now, you will need a telescope to check your progress”.
Photo clicked in Kodaikanal, this was my workplace 😉
Disclaimer: All that I am sharing in this post is purely from my own experience and my own realisations for my own good and for Mother Earth’s good-in simple words, Just my Perspective. You all know now, how connected I am to nature and how protective I was too! So, Climate change was something that always questioned me about the existence of Humanity. In the year 2016, I watched the movie The Revenant with a friend, I had just quit my job and was about to start travelling. Right after the movie, they were 2 things that were clear to me:
1. I was sure that my love Leonardo is gonna win Oscar.
2. I told my friend, that “We are all gonna Die”; exactly in the same tone as to how Jennifer Lawrence screams in the recent movie “Don’t Look Up”!
Although I always did my bit as much as I could to keep the environment around me safe and clean, I just could not come to terms with the carelessness of others. Every now and then, the Big news of climate change always put me off; to an extent where I had once decided that I will not have any children. Watching so many Environmentalists, always blaming the existence of Humans on Climate Change, and also as my experiences matched with theirs, I developed hatred towards Humanity-which means I developed hatred towards myself!
In my first remote job, in Kodaikanal; the job was to manage the place that involved running from one hill to another. I met so many incredible humans, who became such good friends later on. My mornings were filled with beautiful sunrises amidst mountains and the whole day dancing around with the rains and leeches. Although the work was hectic, the people who worked around there made it all so simpler and easy.
I once mentioned to our cook there, that I don’t like washing clothes and she took it from me and washed it in the river for me; how much ever I denied not to! Who does that, my goodness! And another help, cooked this delicious meal and invited me to his house, that meal tasted exactly like how my mother cooked.
You see, the nature all around was beautiful, I had everything that I craved for. One of the main reasons for me to start travelling is to be away from humans, all that was satisfying. But, I also deep inside craved for that connection with other Humans is what I realised there and that’s what I found in all of those beautiful people.
I remember, telling a friend over there. You know, I always hated humans so much coz I thought they are the only reason for climate change; now I have realised that Humans are Nature too!
Fast forward, to many years later; this Sneha decides to start a Sustainable brand because why not, Environmentalist, travels sustainably, lives sustainably; It’s all perfect, right! This is where it all brought up my Climate Change Anxiety again. I would not throw any Plastic bag that comes with groceries, how much ever I carry my bag there would be some groceries that I would have to buy which would already be packed with plastic.
Also, my family members would not listen and that would give me another set of anxiety; I also live in the suburbs of Bengaluru and didn’t even have the option to send the plastic bags for recycling and the covid situation wasn’t helping either.
I would store sacks of plastic all around my house, I would wear torn clothes coz I didn’t want to buy more and be a burden to the environment and I would avoid eating chips as they would come in plastic bags. I basically, was stressing myself to all of these in the name of saving Mother Earth, not even realising, how will the Mother be happy when her child is suffering.
Since I was new in the business, I was also trying to fit in in the Sustainable industry and I wanted to be part of the community. I was scared, that I was contradicting my lifestyle and the ethics of my brand.
At the same time, I was also awakening, rather my soul was awakening hahaha! I was reading a lot about Money as I had to prepare myself very well in my business. Money is Energy, Rich people are not evil, Limiting Beliefs around Money, how Money is divine Abundance; it all made a lot of sense to me.
This was definitely a clash because every sustainable business owner I was in connection with, would always Bad mouth rich people and most of the sustainable bloggers/practitioners did too. This is not to blame anyone, coz I was that person too one day. Just that my mindset shifted so my beliefs shifted too and I was not syncing with any of them. Now, this Sneha who is trying to be fit in the sustainable industry and also who wants to be Abundant, got into a soup! Hahaha
I use to promote my products saying it’s affordable coz in the sustainable industry there was always this notion that sustainable products are expensive. So I was basically pleasing everyone by putting my worth down, in simpler words repelling all the abundance I was meant to receive.
In the beginning, I even sold most of my products at a very lower price coz I was in fear that nobody would buy it. It’s not possible to keep each of my legs on two different boats and row ahead for a longer time right.
So long story short, I chose to be Abundant, why not! The universe is Abundant, Universe is Expanding and so does all of us.
Now that Sneha had the realisation that stressing herself will not make her Mother Earth happy, trying to fit herself where her values were not seen, will not make her Mother Earth happy, Bad mouthing Rich people will not make her Mother Earth happy!
If you are a business owner reading this, whether you charge 5 Rs for your product/services or 5 crores for your product/services; you are bound to attract people at both levels. So it’s all in You, to decide your worth, it’s not about whether people will buy the products/services are not, it is about whether you feel worthy enough of receiving that Abundance.
And I would say when there is an infinite amount of Abundance, why do you want to choose the path where there is Scarcity. That reminds me, having learnt sooooo much about Wealth Mindset, I am having a 1:1 coaching session to expand your Abundant Mindset, Click here to apply for it.
Whether you want to be Rich or not, it’s your choice but there is no point in stressing about not having money. It does not make sense if you have to think more than once when you really want to buy that dress or eat that pizza, and if you are not happy deep inside, it is bound to show up and that creates stress.
So finally, I threw those sacks of plastic bags/garbage I had collected for months, I gave away most of my old clothes, I cleared my house from all the stagnant energy and then I sensed a bit of calmness in me and all around the house.
Right after that, I started to receive more orders; speak of clearing the stagnant energy eh?
I still carry my bag wherever I go, I carry a box if I have to buy chips, I make Bio enzymes, I separate my waste, I do whatever I can, that is in my control. The ones I can’t control, I don’t try to!
Also being open to Abundance gives me more freedom and do more work towards the environment. Who knows, I might get to work with Dicaprio’s Foundation. hahaha
Long ago; a friend had asked me if I have a role model. I told her, I don’t have any but I love what Dicaprio’s foundation does towards Environment and Animals.
Speaking of him, I watched his latest movie Don’t Look Up, of course on the first day when it was released as I was really looking forward to it as it was about climate change. Looking at the movie, from an Artist’s perspective, mind-blowing- a good cast, great visuals, amazing script. Looking from an Environmentalist perspective, well you will be surprised to hear this not even one chord in my heart was struck.
It was supposed to scare people to take climate change seriously, but somehow that message was disconnected. I may have healed from the Climate Change trauma but it definitely still worries me when I see the news about glaciers melting. Recently, NASA shared a post on how Earth’s temperature has increased over the last few decades and that was a little triggering. But this movie, not at all; the only scene that made me emotional and cry- was the last scene where Timothy prays to God-speak of being spiritually awakened eh? Anyway, if you guys have watched it, I would like to know your perspective.
To wrap up this episode, what I feel is, when it comes to Climate change we all look at nature as separate from Humans, yes we have caused the destruction but if we have the power to destruct, don’t we have the power to create them all too! Somewhere in the process of growing, we have lost the connection of ourselves, that connection to ourselves can be regained by healing within first.
That’s when we connect to the Universe, by that I mean our highest self, that’s where we get into the feeling of us being Nature.
We are Nature, We are creators and We will flourish and Nourish; the change is happening and I am positive about it.
As the disclaimer stated at the beginning, all of this is all my perspective; but I also do believe that most of you could resonate with it so if you did, do send me a message on Instagram or drop a review or whatever you feel like doing.
If you would like to listen to my Podcast, click here.
Whether you think you can, or you can’t-you’re right!-Henry Ford
This morning when I looked at the calendar, I went like! Damn, it’s the 20th! The 20th of April is when I launched Wither and it’s been 6 months now!
Phew! The Ups and Downs, the Decisions, the lessons learnt, the wins, the losses; at this moment while I am typing now, I barely can even remember all the things that didn’t go well as I planned. Because everything else happened otherwise, worked out even better than what I had imagined.
I carry this pride always, that I am the first Entrepreneur in the family, and as a woman who is not married in a Conservative family, still sticking to my decision of starting a business even after multiple opinions that came in, this itself is the biggest achievement for me.
Although, I lived most of my life on my terms regardless of what family/society said; I was still very unsure about me running a business. I had zero qualities that an Entrepreneur needs-low self-esteem, Under Confident, Not sticking to goals, Name it I had it!
I have studied MBA in Marketing yet Sales petrify me! The idea to sell a product and ask for money for it was traumatizing.
I had to work on every single aspect that I was lacking, including Social Media. I did not know how to sell the products on Social Media.
Along with this, there were so many challenges that came in-I had to let go of the tailor who was working for me, I had to lose money due to some bad decisions with choosing the wrong people!
There was one thing that I told myself when I decided to start the business, no matter what happens, I am not giving up!
I stuck by it, Yes there were sleepless nights and I have cried for days! I had to push myself to move out of the couch, sign up for courses to help me get better at selling. Work on my skills to introduce new products, scream in the bathroom every day that “I am Confident”!
End of the Day, it was not about the business! It was about me, all the stories I had created in my head about myself, that I am not worthy of achieving anything in life had to be proven wrong.
It was never about others who bullied me, who made fun of my business, who humiliated me of my choices!
It was about me to stick to my decision and prove to myself that I am worthy of everything this Universe has to offer!
It did, I am in a much better place now. I am Happier every day, I am chirpier than I was ever in my life, I am improving on my confidence and my other sewing skills!
Photo clicked during my travel to Bhutan with my Father.
Part of Every Misery is Misery’s Shadow-C.S. Lewis
TW: This post is about Grief and Loss, but also about Hope and Resilience. If you feel it can be triggering for you at the moment, please visit the post whenever you are ready.
A week ago, I lost one of my Kitten, Flora. When I used the word “Lost”, some of my friends thought she went missing. No, I did not mean she went missing, I meant she passed away. That’s when I realized, how we all associate differently through words when we lose someone. How we feel differently, how we grieve differently.
It took me few hours to digest the news, I curbed all the emotions inside as I had Fanny at home, how do I tell him, his sister will never return. This is the first time ever, me having had pets at home. Although I have mostly been with animals and taken care of them wherever I travelled, this one was tough. I can feel the grief strangling my throat, I held Fanny on my lap and started sobbing loudly.
I felt this dire need of talking to someone, the first person that came to my mind was my Father. This was surprising as we don’t exchange conversations emotionally, we never have. So many thoughts ran in my head, I trashed them all, picked up my phone and called him.
It was the most comforting talk I ever received, I was surprised by the way he handled the whole situation. Not once he blamed me for opening the door for the Kitten to go out like others did. Not once he made me feel guilty like others did. I felt lighter on my heart, I could feel my nerves calming and blood flowing at its normal speed.
But, the suffering didn’t stop there. All I thought was, only if we spoke to each other like this 7 years ago when my Mother passed away.
Whenever I thought of Flora and cried, I knew I thought of my mother and cried too. It has happened every time the last 7 years, every time I hear someone has passed, I have always thought of my mother and cried. I did a little introspection and went 7 years behind, to see what I did after I lost my mother. I barely allowed myself to experience the pain, I left home and travelled around, I got into toxic relationships repeatedly, I didn’t share a good relationship with my father and brother, I didn’t take care of my finances, I made bad decisions over and over and over!
You see, we all deal with grief differently! I didn’t grieve, I just ran away every time trying to prove myself and show the world that I am strong, that’s what everybody told me-Stay strong! Okay, here you go, I am leaving home and that proves that I am strong, I am not crying, I am strong, I don’t care what my family thinks about me, I am strong!
What I want to talk about is, how the people around us make us feel when we are in pain of losing someone. I have noticed and experienced 2 kinds of people:
They go silent, no talks for years.
They speak insensitively, without even giving a single thought that the other person is already in pain.
They may be thinking that they are speaking right, that’s why they speak, but most of the time it comes out insensitive to the person who is listening, and especially when they are in pain! I remember this family friend of mine, who said; Only If you would have got married, your mother would have been happy. I am sure, this statement is quite relatable to many as in India Marriage is the only possible solution for any problem in the world! (Wish it could cure ALS and Cancer you know)
Understand that, the person who is grieving will already be feeling guilty, if they could have done something, this may have not happened. So don’t rub your hollowness on the burning fire already! If you cannot comfort the person, you can make a choice of being 1, by not talking at all! All of these insensitive talks took me 7 years to realize what is that I was holding on to, so much in my heart!
In December 2020, I was going through some rough patches, as usual with my bad decisions and I came across this book lying on my shelf called “Option B”! This book looked brand new, I have no idea who gave it to me or how it came on my shelf! It seemed like, it was asking me to read. So I started reading and got hooked on it! It’s a story of Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook on how she coped herself after her husband’s untimely death.
In the first chapter, she talks about 3 P’s that I could relate to every bit of it! Here is an excerpt: “We plant the seeds of resilience in the ways we process negative events. After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist Martin Seligman found that three P’s can stunt recovery: (1) Personalization-the belief that we are at fault; (2) Pervasiveness-the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) Permanence—the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever”.
I always thought of all these 3 after my mother’s death, and most of the time I was in denial too! See the contradiction, instead of solving what I really felt, I just denied saying that it will pass because I am strong. During those times, mental health wasn’t really spoken as much as it is now. I did not really have anyone telling me to seek a therapist and I am sure I would have told myself that I am strong and I don’t need anyone to solve my problems.
2 years ago, I had these terrible attacks on my body, while I am asleep I could feel my body moving up and falling down. Huge shivers and that got me into high anxiety of me dying with the same ailment that my mother had! That weekend I came to Bengaluru, and visited the hospital and told the doctor about my symptoms, I can’t forget this day as it turned out hilarious as this doctor was an elderly man and he sort of yelled at me in Kannada like- what BS are you talking about? And referred me to a Psychiatrist.
Apparently, I have been living with this fear of me dying the same way my mother did, As I saw her all through her journey; I developed this fear every time I see any small change in my body, I would imagine that I would die. It is a very common thing for anyone, who has seen their close family members die due to an ailment.
I went through many sessions, I would feel better and the anxiety would come back. It’s a loop, but there was one thing about me, How much ever rock bottom I hit, I knew in my gut that I would come back again! I know that I am resilient and I can make this life a memorable event! But, what sometimes bugs me a lot is, only if people around me were supportive and kind enough, I wouldn’t have reached this point! It took me 7 damn years, to openly talk about grief that I was too cool to not talk about.
So here I am, talking about something that I held so painfully inside in a cage and locked it with a beautiful lock. I am opening the key and throwing the key away to open myself to grow lots and lots of flowers around the grief. I know the grief will be there, whether to suffer with it or not is my choice. I chose not to, even if I do; I know I will come back and plant a flower around it!
I remember my therapist, telling me; you know the void is going to be there; that emptiness will be there. You will just learn to live around it!
Look anywhere and everywhere, there are blatant and subtle reinforcements that only fair is lovely. The men have also joined the race with an equal number of fairness products. Such pressure and so little public debate around it-Nandita Das
Makeup
As a kid, makeup to me was applying face cream, powder, and bindi. That’s how my mother did to herself and me. This routine was in the morning after bath and evening after school, after a few years I started following this routine myself. We all follow our parents’ impressions, don’t we? To be specific on what we used, It was Vicco Turmeric face cream, Lakme compact powder. You can now imagine this scenario in the ’90s, where there were barely any cosmetic brands and even a colour TV in a middle-class household to show the difference between a dark skin tone and a fair skin tone.
This was my favourite time in front of the mirror, these 5 minutes I would grin and kiss myself until the mirror broke (okay, not really). The smell of Vicco Turmeric on my skin was my savoury, my energy booster. Until Vicco Turmeric and Black and White TV were in my life, I didn’t know I was of darker skin tone. (As per societal standards)
Colours
And then, our house had to be lit up with colours and a box of sweets to distribute to the neighbours, as we welcomed our BPL colour TV. It’s all about colours now, like a beautiful rainbow in a dark sky. A smaller version of me welcomed the Colour TV and the cable TV with the enthusiasm of watching colourful shows. What I loved the most about Colour TV was the Advertisements. I would diligently watch the Ad’s with the same interest as I would watch a movie/tv show.
Ask any 90’s kid in India, they will know all the ad’s by heart. If you are one of them reading this, I can hear you humming Washing Powder Nirma, Washing Powder Nirma 😀 However, somewhere between these Nirma’s and Liril’s, the fairness cream ad’s had an impact on me. Also, Unknowingly Colour TV’s contributed to colourism on a much larger scale.
Fair & Famous
In this specific Ad, where Actress Genelia is dreaming to be a cricket commentator, she will not be able to grow in her career. She gets fair and lovely in her hand and she becomes a commentator, the fame follows her. So as a kid, what seeded deep in me was, to be famous, I need to be fair. The switch from Vicco Turmeric to Fair & Lovely happened in no time, I was obsessed with this idea of becoming “Fair & Famous (Probably their product name should have been this). Every time the face cream gets empty, I made a rule in my house, that it should only be me who goes to buy a new one.
Teenage! What a beautiful age that we all cherish, the memories we make at this age will stay with us forever. Only if everyone remembers that probably there will not be any bullies at all. I was humiliated multiple times for my colour, I don’t remember feeling bad for it because you know I had my Fair & Famous Lovely in my hand. I knew one day I will be Fair & Famous (this time I mean it), and that day I will take my revenge on these bullies.
At that age we will not even know it’s bullying, we assume there is something wrong in us, something wrong with the way we are born and we try to make that Wrong->Right. That’s when, Fair & Lovely turned to me as a friend, that pink tube with a smell that changes your life overnight. I had dreams every time I held the cream in my hand & looked at the mirror. I had dreams of being an Air hostess, of being a TV host, of being an actress, of being a model, and I knew none of this is possible until I turn “fair”.
Fair & Lovely was a huge hit, every household I knew had a tube, it turned out like a need as much as drinking water. It didn’t stop there, the success made them branch out to launch different flavours of it like Icecreams. One of my favourites was, Fair & Lovely Ayurveda, that’s when my hopes went even higher. You know, how important Ayurveda is in every Indian house, they touched my heart as they imbibed the core strength of India-Ayurveda.
I started earning, I invested in buying fairness kits, few “Upper-middle-class brands” and I even took a step ahead of getting facials done in the salon. A salon is a place where they will make sure to put your self-esteem down as much as they can, to increase their profits. You go to shape your eyebrows, they say things like we have this special facial that will turn your face like a full moon.
The switch
The switch gradually happened, I can’t remember anything in particular that changed my thinking. I stopped using fairness creams, I switched to conscious brands like The Body Shop, I was using BB/CC creams. At this point, I did not have any goal to turn fair; I just needed healthy skin. Around this time, I stumbled upon the campaign by Nandita Das-“Dark & Beautiful” on Facebook. That poster I saw is still edged in front of my eyes when I think of it, it gave me hope that if an actress is promoting a darker colour, so why cant I feel good about what I am born with.
I quit my job and started travelling, I met travellers from all across the world, mostly Europeans and a few Americans. They were all complaining about how much they hate their colour, and how jealous they are of my colour. Even while typing this, I smiled because that boosted my self-esteem that day and the thought of it does, even now.
I also had very little money so I could not afford any products, worked out even better as I started indulging in using products available at home. That’s what our Ayurveda is about, we never had the idea of cream, powder or soap. We have always used the ingredients available in the backyard of our house, turmeric for the face and curry leaves for hair. The beauty is, they need not even be applied externally.
To be fair
In all fairness, guess what I didn’t turn fair (I am ROFL as I typed this sentence), I didn’t turn fair for good. I didn’t turn fair even though I contributed to the biggest scam, I didn’t turn fair although I made these MNC’s turn into billionaires. To be fair, I didn’t turn fair!
All thanks to social media and the exposure of women who are standing tall, strong and proud, whatsoever colour they are. I read lots of stories about how deeply our society is obsessed with the idea of the colour white on our skin. The only colour they can accept on the skin is “White”. I am happy with the changes happening currently in the world, with the communities formed supporting all colours.
We still have a long way to go, just last month; while having dinner with few friends. A friend pointed out at another friend and said, “her colour has increased” (that’s the closest translation I could do of this statement in Kannada) If I would have turned darker, that would have not even been a part of the discussion because Black is not referred as a colour! (Only with skin)
There are lots of factors behind this, which may need another post. Most of the times, these conversations are not even intentional, it’s a conditioned conversation is that I would like to call. If we would like to change the conditioning, we will have to stop ourselves, think before we talk. That’s how we put a break, that’s how our kids learn, that’s how we pave way for our younger generation to accept how they are.
I would like to share 2 instances that have stuck in my head and affected me on a negative note, I want to put it down here so that I can put this to the grave at last. Those situations and words can’t be reversed but can be forgotten!
During my MBA days, we were on a field trip. All of us were out in the sun, I was applying sunscreen. A classmate of mine, in front of everyone, said: “Sneha, how much ever sunscreen you apply, you won’t turn fair” and started laughing out loud.
At that right age of marriage, that’s defined by society. You know arranged marriage proposals start coming in. I denied getting married to all those proposals that came in. In front of my mother, this aunt (my mother’s sister) said to me. You are not good looking, how do we find boys for you if you keep denying them!! I remember my mother, feeling insulted about this more than myself.
Whoever is reading this, who could relate or not, who was part of these kinds of situation. Just know, that the moon has dark patches too. Still glows, and still beautiful.
Photos clicked by a dear friend Baishaki Mehatori.
Live like a child every day, you will never regret that you did. – Sneha Marappa 😉
Smile 1
Every morning there are two times I come out of my room before I get to work:
1) To brush my teeth & stare at this specific tree in the front and a hill on my right.
2) To drink milk/coffee, that’s when the first school bus arrives.
The bus moves a little ahead closer to my room to take the U-turn, the children when they see me, few of them wave and few throw a smile and the other few scream, Snehaaaa akkkaaaa + wave.
This happens every day, every damn day; it’s like they are seeing me after many years, the excitement remains constant and every day is a brand new day. A few times which are unlucky days, the timing doesn’t match so this scene doesn’t happen but when it happens that’s the first smile that they bring on my face for the day-Smile 1.
Smile 2
Morning assembly happens at 9 am, everyone’s quiet-it’s a rare moment, like take out your camera and seize the moment kind of a rare moment-a Kodak moment. It is difficult to stay quiet for me too, our Director inclusive; one day she comes close to me and whispers, “Oh! A new saree. Oh yeah! She is that cool, not at all trying to flatter her-true story!
Sometimes I reach a little early, that’s when the Smile 2 begins. Akka, don’t tie your hair bun that way, I feel like laughing at you; Akka, you look like a Maid; Akka, Is it your birthday? (The most asked question, at least one child every day). Somehow all of this sounds better in Tamizh when they say it-Smile 2.
When Smile 1 + Smile 2 happens, the whole day lightens up, even if it is just one of them, I can live with it the whole day grinning, just like them.
Now look at a cobweb in that corner of your house, if there is none, imagine one. Flashback tone begins.
2 Years ago & so on!
Then!
On this day, I arrived here in my track pants and a Blue T-shirt; anxious, sweaty & exhausted. The train was delayed for 3 hours in Bengaluru, hence the exhaustion & lack of sleep. Carrying 4 bags and running behind a train that stops for 3 minutes with doors closed from inside, Sigh! That story deserves another blog post.
So where was I? The job, yes! The job was not much to do with children, maybe a little. Well, I had no idea, I just came here, did not think much, about my goals or aspirations, about my writings or blog. All I had on my mind was a simple life with less noise (Point to be noted), a life amidst mountains, & there you go, I got one.
I came here during summer holidays, hardly any (0) In-house teachers and absolutely no children. So there was no noise and there was life with mountains. Just like I desired, a breeze of applaud in my head goes on.
But I had a tiny fear, what happens when the school starts. How will I cope with the noise? I was perplexed, twitching my fingers every day when the noisy thoughts arrive. I was asked to take care of the library as well, who would not want to be around books. A library is a place for silence, nobody talks which mean part of my job will be in silence and I do not have to talk to people. Hurray!
Hold that grin on your face, right there! What I am going to say next might change that expression because the day arrived. The day that I was anxious about, the children, the people and the noise.
The first class in Library, I am sitting in a corner with a book and I see these kids gazing at me. I can feel those cute little eyes all over me. After a few minutes, the silence is broken with pulling & pushing, screaming & screeching, shouting & hitting. I take a deep breath, while I am breathing out, the noise hits the roof and is on the way to a space station. I would scream at them, on top of my voice, and now there is radio silence. And then the noise begins again. This continues, this exact format-all the time, in every class.
Days passed and so did months and years, I still shout at them sometimes and burst out laughing the next second. I am on their side now, we make noise, we draw, we sing and dance. I sit and hear their elephant stories, although most of the time they make up their own stories I feel, but they love it when I believe them and respond to what they say. They are good storytellers I must say, the tone, the pitch, the story crafting and most importantly they know how to trap the reader-they deserve an award.
Somewhere in that war between silence that I craved & noise that I disliked, Noise won!
I still have complications in dealing with people(adults), I am working on it but it is going to take time. So I am usually isolated, all by myself with myself but the loneliness does get on to me on a few days. These kids are the only source for me to drift away from that abyss, they are the only friends I can look up to, they are the only home that I can rest in.
Every day is unique here, all because of them, only because of them. I like it when they are concerned when I am not dressed, Akka are you not well? I like it when they ask about me while I am on leave, I like it that they exist, right there just for that moment.
Remember 2 years ago, I had this fear about coping with noise and now it was about how am I going to live ever without that noise after I leave this job. How often can I re telecast these memories in my head to keep that grin on my face? How am I going to live without elephant stories? Will they remember me if I come to visit them after a few years?
Nightmares, these were the nightmares that kept me away from sleep. Mostly after I decided to leave! But Life always has a different answer, not the one that you want. This time the answer came in the form of a Virus-Corona/COVID-19!
Today
Now!
All that silence I prayed for 2 years ago, I have been blessed with it now, unfortunately. It’s been 2 months since I have seen all those grinning faces; as much as the silence engulfed everywhere, their grinned faces and screechy voice is engulfed all over my head.
The home they built for me in themselves is all empty, filled with only taunting memories.
The home that I could not even bid goodbye to!
And now I am slowly drifting to the abyss again.
And now…
The swings are heavier.
Merry go round isn’t merrier.
Playground’s turned bizarre.
The library looks spookier.
Yours Consciously Sneha 