Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears-Les Brown
A Little about this confused soul!
I am Sneha from Bangalore/Bengaluru, India; 28 years, 3 months, 13 days old! BCA, MBA by education as instructed by parents & relatives, 6 years’ in a corporate life as instructed by parents & relatives, a would be nomad in the next few months as instructed by my intuition. On how my life is going to be was already pre-decided by my parents, study well and score “good” marks, get a “good” secured job, earn “good” money, find a “good” boy (oh not by me, parents again & of course how can I miss my relatives), get married to the same old “good” boy, have “good” kids and yes this “good” cycle continues! I was not against it as I thought that is how it is supposed to be and neither do I blame my parents because that is how they are taught to be.
Even though I was fairly “good” at studies, I was mostly keen on wandering outside than being inside a room mugging up answers. I have always wanted to be a dancer or to be in any sport, as typical Indian parents I was not really encouraged much in what I thought I was “good” at and was pushed into what they thought I was “good” at! Other than studies, everything else was just an extra activity; I don’t blame them, as they think the “other activities” is not secure to give a fixed income every month for us to live.
A Little about this confused job!
While I decided to pen about this post I realized it has been about 6 years since I have been in a corporate life, 11th November 2009 is when I stepped in. Right after few months after I joined my first job, I understood that this will definitely not be something that I would like doing for long. I have changed 3 companies in the past 6 years, even though I knew this is not for me I was not ready to take the leap from the comfort zone, the fact of money hitting the bank account every month, traveling to few places in a year, some “good” friends, some “good” food in some “good” restaurants couple of times in a month is all that I “wanted”.
But I also knew one day I would definitely leave this job and do what I like doing and had decided if I am leaving this 3rd job I wouldn’t be getting into a corporate life again. While I was in this 3rd job is when I lost the most important person in my life; during this phase is when I realized life is just too short for us to always keep worrying about the materialistic things that we think that makes us happy, there is definitely something more. I read this somewhere, we are not born just to pay bills and die. Death is inevitable but life isn’t. Right?
A Little about this Confused Decision!
And now when it goes to what I like, the list can even reach another corner of the world. I like dancing so should I be a dancer, I like acting so should I be an actress, I like dressing up so should I be in fashion, I like Basket Ball so should I start playing Basket Ball, I like singing so should I be a singer, I like Martial Arts so should I learn a Martial Art, I like organizing events so should I be in Event management, I like cooking so should I be a chef, I love traveling so should I be a traveler.
So honestly, I did give a try in almost everything that I have mentioned above trying to figure out what is that which really made me happy and kept me going. Not like I was bad at it or it didn’t keep me happy but I couldn’t hold on to any of the above mentioned for long. It was just like those instant mixes you get in the market, was just easy to cook but wouldn’t taste so yummy like when you actually cook it yourself. This is when I realized the difference between what you “think” you really love doing and what is that you “actually” love doing! It took me few months to understand that traveling is the only thing that has kept me going, that has made me happy, that has made me strong, that has made me forget all my worries, that has made me who I am now! For those who have watched HIMYM can understand what I am referring to, one of my favorite phrase from Ted Mosby: You can ask the universe for signs all you want. But ultimately, we only see when we are ready to see it.
I have traveled many times before, mostly with friends and I started with solo travel early this year. But the solo trip I took to Sri Lanka, places I visited, the people I met, changed my whole perspective towards traveling. This is where I realized what I really need, those 7 days I did what I liked doing. I was happy, I was not stressed, I was me, I didn’t have to fake smiles in front of the mountains, I didn’t have to show my frowned face in front of the beach, I didn’t need an ID card to access nature, I didn’t need meetings set up to talk to blue sky and clouds.
A Little on the Confused Time!
Have already lost 6 years in doing a job that I don’t like, lots have been learned around this time. Have lost someone who can never come back, have lost someone who doesn’t want to come back, have lost someone who wants to and still will not come back. But thanks to all these people, they made me who I am now. Even though I have tears now while typing this thinking about them, they have still made me much stronger than I was 6 years ago! So I have decided not to crib about wasting these 6 years and admit that it was a lesson learned, I am glad that I at least realized now on what I want to do. So yeah, it is never too late.
Kudos to people who can make instant decisions, I cannot whenever I have it has never worked well so I prefer to take time, take as much as time possible in the decisions that are going to change a lot in your life than the routine. I took few months to come to this decision, in those few months I was hardly going out and meeting my friends. Every penny I spend I would think twice if it is really needed (of course excluding Shopping), I have a lot of friends whom I would chat with every day, I tried to reduce that, spent most of the time with myself. All the days: during work, after work, during weekends; I would mostly spend understanding the reason behind me quitting the job and if it is worth it.
Read a lot about traveling, traveling solo, holding an Indian passport how difficult it is to travel to other countries, traveling alone as a girl on how cautious should I be, is there any way I can sustain before coming back and bumping my head again with the laptop and with a job I don’t like. So yes everything takes time, it is never too late.
A Little about this Confused Money!
Money! Everybody needs this, nobody says no to it. I do not have any savings so I was really worried about how to carry on with my decision, which is when LIC hit my mind. I have decided to withdraw the LIC amount to fund my travels for few months, yeah of course including you lot of people called me crazy. I have already decided to risk my life so I thought it doesn’t make sense to secure my “risky life” with the insurance.
Now where to go, what to do, how many days or months, what do I do with more than 2 wardrobes of clothes and accessories, I still do not know. All I know is my decision is firm and I am quitting my job and I am ready to step out of my comfort zone. (About going with LIC amount, think as many times as you want and decide)
A Little about this confused Fear!
I am still scared, very scared with this decision. I have sleepless nights, heart beats even more faster than it should, mind goes blank with absolutely no thoughts on what I would be doing but when I think of the job that I am doing and when I know I wouldn’t be liking to do it again! I also know if I don’t quit now, I would never do and end up regretting my entire life that I had a chance once and blew it! I would rather take the risk than sit and crib in my cubicle!
Even now while writing this it still scares me, what If I have to come back again and do all of this which I have been whining about! But somewhere something screams that I atleast tried, yes I atleast tried to do what I like to do! Although travelling and doing something related to travel has always been on the top list, I didn’t want to take a chance by starting with the travel blog initially as I wasn’t sure how long can I sustain with writing as my attention span is too less towards writing and reading. I am still surprised on how I am still holding to write for this long! The best surprises you get in your life can be by only you, isn’t it?
Again a favorite line by Ted Mosby from HIMYM, If you are not scared, you are not taking a chance. And if you are not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing?
A Little Inspiration from this Confused Soul!
When things were not falling in place like I wanted, I was really upset that I would never get what I want. But if I sit now and think about all those things that didn’t fall in place, if it would have then I wouldn’t have be living this life the way I had dreamt of. I have been following few travel blogs from many years, watching lots of videos of successful people, spent few days on bed by just staring at the ceiling waiting for something to happen, have listened to many inspiring songs and movies! Whenever I have read or watched or listened something that would inspire, it would last for few days sometimes and I would get back to square one. So until you find what you want to do, others who around you would never be able to help! Only you can help yourselves to understand what you want, because only you would know about you more than anybody else.
I never thought I would get into writing, not like I am great with it but I had no hopes that I will sustain for this long and I had never ever thought that I would spend time on writing. So getting to know what you like doing is a tough thing, you might have thought about something that you would be really bad at but just give a try! Never know, you might excel in it! You are the best gift to yourself and you never know how well you can surprise yourself!
A Little advise from this Confused Soul!
Want & Need! I still remember in school we were taught on what the difference between want and need is. Just to brush up with it, Sneha has a moped which she uses to commute around every day(Need), she realizes she had a childhood dream of riding a motor bike and she wants it now (Want). Not like none of us know what this means, but we always tend to concentrate mostly on what we want. Want only results in too much of greed and unhappiness. Why I wanted to share this is, all these years I have been fooled by this want, the more you feed the want the more you get greed.
I was really excited few months ago and booked a Royal Enfield. Just when I was clear about my decision of traveling is when I had to cancel it with almost tears in my eyes. Motor Bike was just a “want”, not a “need”. If I wouldn’t have decided to take this chance now, maybe I never will. I would just be staring at the basketball court like I am doing now instead of playing, I would just be watching the dance shows instead of dancing and I would just be watching travelers and reading about them instead of traveling. Have written this to keep inspiring myself not to “quit on the decision of me quitting the job” and also for all the confused souls like me to get inspired; just get out and do what you love doing!
I am gonna bury my confused soul and say rest in peace and head out to feed my other soul filled with wanderlust and add some wings! Wish me luck!
If you are reading this line, thank you for your patience to go through the torture about me whining about my confused soul!
If you have got irritated and just scrolled down, one of my favorite illustrators Alicia Souza beautifully describes on how you to live your dream!
I was always in confusion to understand who are you,
sorry for such a long due.
This life’s journey has been a roller coaster ride,
sometimes rough & sometimes smooth like a tide.
You are a dream that I am coming to explore,
hope you unfold yourself & welcome me more & more.
Blooming…
Wild Flower
Yours Consciously Sneha 