After I realised most of my relationships and friendships were so rooted in me Pleasing them, I was like, God, I need to be awarded as the Best People Pleaser! hahaha

So, People Pleasing is a Trauma response and in Psychological terms, it is called Fawning. One of the ways how our body keeps us safe in the survival state.

For me People Pleasing was, to give gifts. Always, anybody, I meet, even for a few hours or just know them for a while, I would buy them real pricey gifts you know. I just could not tolerate anybody not liking me, I had to please them somehow.  I would always be available for everyone, carry everybody’s emotional weight, feel bad if someone don’t share with me and shares it with someone else, I just could not say NO, I clearly could not draw boundaries too.

Especially for people who have a Mother wound, as in your Mother was not available for you emotionally or you lost your mother at a younger age. You may develop this pattern of pleasing people as you have developed this fear of losing people.

So last year, when all of this came into my consciousness, I told myself, Okay now I am going to start saying No to people-whoever it is friends or family, does not matter! As I was mostly at home, and barely had any communication at all with the outside world I could not test it, all I could do is with family-which was very difficult in the beginning, eventually, I did start telling No to family members as well specifically my brother who would always borrow money from me.

There was one funny incident that happened though, the first week of hiring the coach, as I was talking to her I was sharing my family story and I was feeling so bad that I was dumping on her and I was like “I am sorry to share this, I know its all too much” hahaha She was a sweet girl and she immediately told me its not too much.

And it took me a week or two, oh boy! Its again coming from a place of pleasing someone, can you believe I hired a coach asking for help and feeling bad asking for help hahahahah

Another story was, this new neighbour girl who bought scrunchies from me did not pay me for a while. I was so hesitant to ask her, after a long wait I messaged her and told her to pay me. I actually live in a small town and don’t really have any friends here, so this girl seemed like I can have a friend and I realised later that I had this fear I would lose her if at all I ask for my money. Around this time, I read this quote “Real connections will never leave you, whatever the circumstances are.”

After a few months, the same girl and his family were going out of town and her mother had asked me if I can take care of their cat. I said cool, I can, I have taken care of that cat before and I did not have any issue genuinely and after a few days, I am still sleeping around 7 am or so and she calls. I did not answer as I felt a little violated by the boundary and hear someone knocking on my door, it was his brother with the cat. I felt uncomfortable, took the cat and started my day, what happened after really put me off!

At this time, I was working on a quilting project {you can buy my products on Instagram @upcyclewither} and I was quite packed that week. So these people absolutely did not think of any of my work and she kept sending parcels over parcels of cat food and other stuff. I was getting agitated as I had work and I had to pick up so many parcels. I did not want to ruin my mood and continued with my work as I didn’t want to transfer that energy into it. After my work was done, I was just relaxing and another parcel comes by and this time, this girl did not even inform me that this parcel was coming through.

I was like that’s it, I need to talk and I immediately messaged her saying this was not right whatever you did, you need to understand what boundaries are, just because I am home, does not mean I am free and blah blah blah

I was also very happy deep inside that I have finally learnt a lesson on how to draw boundaries, she was like okay I am coming to pick the cat and she came, then I go like, see it is not about me, it is about the cat, I didn’t like tying her as I was working!

After she left, I was like, why the hell did I say that! It was about the cat, yes, but it was about me also! Eeekkkkkk.

So, my dear friends, I am sharing this to tell you that, bringing awareness is the first step, an action has to be taken, and it won’t happen overnight. Consistent action towards drawing boundaries, consistently practising to tell yourself that it is okay to draw boundaries.

It actually feels extremely selfish, especially when you have people pleased all your life. The fear comes in that you might lose people and at the same time you actually don’t have to feel bad if you do fail in drawing boundaries.

So how to bring to conscious awareness, as in to know whether you are People Pleasing or if you are genuinely helping:

1. It is always One-sided. For Ex: you are always the one making plans, you are always the one checking on everyone. It is almost never or usually very minimal from the other side.

(Most of my past friends were like this) hahaha

2. You feel energetically drained after trying to help or fix someone, which means you are genuinely not doing it.

3. Somewhere deep in the heart, you feel, will these people really be there for me when I need them.

4. People usually call you strong because you are always listening to everyone and usually always available.

5. You almost never say NO, whatever situation you are in: emotionally, physically or even materialistically. You still want to step ahead and help them.

{Apply for 1:1 Coaching to transform yourself to live the life you deserve to live, here}

So, these are some of the things that you can consciously notice, and then you can take the decision of whether to have these people around you or not.

And when you do start setting boundaries,  be nice to yourself, you will overthink if you did anything wrong, you will feel selfish, you will feel weird, your body will act weird, remember you are shedding a skin that you are holding on to for a long time now.

If you do fail drawing boundaries, don’t feel bad, it’s okay, try again, and again and again.

Remember you are not alone in this, and you won’t be left alone. I am actually telling this to myself as I tell it to you. There are 8 billion people in the world and I am also here for you my loves.

So you are never alone.

Yours Consciously

Sneha